Knicks Fantasy Football Soulmates
by Jonathan Macri
It’s September. Labor Day is behind us. We’re about as far removed from the end of Summer League as we are from the beginning of training camp. All in all, it felt like a good time to take a break from the usual analysis/thought pieces I’ve been doing all summer long and embark on something far more ambitious.
Analysis of Frank Ntilikina’s footwork on off-ball possessions thus far in FIBA, you say?
Ha! But no (besides, Spencer’s already working on that). What I have in mind is even more tedious, but might hit the spot as you waste away the hours until the Packers and the Bears kick off the 100th NFL season and the 57th season of fantasy football.
Last night, I completed my fourth fantasy draft of the fall. Every year I say I’m going to pull back and join fewer leagues, and every year I stay roped in. Because of course I do. Fantasy is the addiction I just can’t break, right up there with my beloved Knicks, who’ve caused me just as much pain in the aggregate.
So today, in an effort to merge my two sports loves into one unholy beast, we give the current Knicks roster (and some past favorites) their fantasy football soulmate. There is absolutely no criteria for this, but the voices in my head tell me it makes sense. Think of it like the Knicks offense last year…sometimes good shit happened, but it was probably by accident.
And now, with the first pick in the 2019 Fantasy Knicks draft, we proudly select…
RJ Barrett / Kyler Murray
This season is probably going to be painful, but we can talk ourselves into all kinds of nonsensical glory because of his talent. The future is no doubt bright, even if there will be ample bumps along the way. At the very least, he’ll put up numbers.
Kevin Knox / Le’Veon Bell
Not really sure who was more productive last season – I heard Bell re-grouted his shower - but sunnier skies are definitely maybe (ahem) hopefully ahead, as things certainly can’t get any worse.
Amare Stoudemire / Todd Gurley
Too soon? Too soon.
Julius Randle / Odell Beckham Jr.
So much goddamn talent, it’s almost unfair. Different personalities, different issues, same situation: new team with a lot to prove. Cleveland has been football hell for about as long as the Knicks have been a laughing stock. Turning each situation around started before their respective arrivals, but if it’s going to happen in full force, it’s going to be done at least primarily on the backs of each of these studs.
There’s a world where each makes us go “my Lord, how did anyone ever doubt this guy?” and then another one where we all remember exactly why they’ve been doubted, repeatedly. Excited to see how it plays out.
Pablo Prigioni / Andrew Luck
One – More – Year! One – More – Year!
Allonzo Trier / Baker Mayfield
Haters can go f--- themselves.
Emmanuel Mudiay / literally any kicker
If you drafted him before the last round, you drafted him too damn early.
Bobby Portis / Sammy Watkins
Get ready for a year where he wins a handful of games by himself and the rest of the time reminds us why his career hasn’t been the success his talent would seem to dictate.
Sidenote: If I could invent one thing (a real thing – not, like, “the world hunger curing magic widget”), it would be an algorithm that tells me when guys like Watkins are going to have their 4 to 6 good games each year. I’d keep it a secret and then use it to screw with any of my friends who ask for fantasy advice. This would be more fun than actually winning fantasy leagues.
Enes Kanter / Tampa Bay Defense
His nipples are hard just thinking about drafting Tom Brady. Speaking of which…
Kristaps Porzingis / Tom Brady
Antichrist vibes.
Mitch Robinson / Lamar Jackson
He might not be the first pick, but really now…who the hell else would you rather watch game in and game out? Prepare for a year in which we see things we’ve never seen before, with the bandwagon filling up before it pulls out of the driveway. You’ve been warned.
Patrick Ewing / Philip Rivers
Probably won’t ever get his ring, which is a damn shame.
Damyean Dotson / Latavius Murray
Not sexy, but you’re going to want him starting more often than not.
Wayne Ellington / James White
This makes sense to me for some reason. But only in a PPR league.
Ron Baker / Jared Goff
Wonder Bread.
Reggie Bullock / Melvin Gordon
Should be fine if he plays. I’m not holding my breath.
J.R. Smith / Josh Gordon
Anyone wanna party?
Dennis Smith Jr. / Jameis Winston
This year could go exceedingly well and set him up for a beautiful career, or it could go exceedingly poorly and could take the team down in the process. I don’t think there will be any in between.
The talent has never been an issue. Is he the type of leader a team needs to run the show? We’ll know in about 4 months. If it doesn’t work out…
Elfrid Payton / Ryan Fitzpatrick
Could be the most popular guy in town…for a bit.
Frank Ntilikina / Devante Parker
#IWantToBelieve
Iman Shumpert / Marcus Mariota
At some point, a guy just isn’t very good. On the other hand…
Iggy Brazdeikis / Patrick Mahomes
...but only if Mahomes takes a step up in Year 3.
Walt “Clyde” Frazier / Aaron “Discount Double Check” Rodgers
Smooth but deadly. Needs that second ring.
Taj Gibson / Frank Gore
Old reliable. One step away from Keep Gettin’ Dem Checks, but not quite there yet. On a team that needs to establish a healthy internal culture (whatever the hell that means) perhaps more than any trend they display on the court, Gibson’s presence both in the locker room and on the floor should be invaluable. He is the anti-Kanter, and I look forward to him replacing Lance Thomas as the guy I shower with irrational love on the regular.
Joakim Noah / Eli Manning
Keep Gettin’ Dem Checks.
Thanks for reading, talk to you next week!